Camels Have Toes!

I’m part of the Amazon Vine program. That means I get products from Amazon in exchange for providing honest, independent reviews. It’s pretty interesting. There’s a catalog of a thousands of products to choose from, and some of the choices I see are surprising. Surprising as in “Why? Why does anyone need this.”

As I scrolled past the hemp oil for dogs, console organizers for Hyundai Sonatas, and coffee maker brew baskets for Black and Decker coffee makers, there it was. I was like WTF? A camel toe concealer? I’m like “Do you need a permit to carry a concealed camel toe?” Folks, I watched Lawrence of Arabia. Lawrence knew a thing or two about camels. If Lawrence of Arabia didn’t need a camel toe concealer then nobody does. Still, I was intrigued, and since there were no reviews for the product, I ordered a camel toe concealer so that at least one person would leave a review. Not just a review, but a quality review. You know, a review with before and after pictures and perhaps provide some helpful advice about using a camel toe concealer.

I know what you’re thinking. “Randy, you don’t have a camel.” You are correct, but I am resourceful. I ordered the camel toe concealer and the next evening it was delivered. Oh boy was I excited. I could barely sleep that night. About 10 AM the next morning I headed to the zoo with my camel toe concealer in my pants    pocket.

Upon arriving at the zoo I paid the entrance fee and asked if I could speak with the zookeeper. I was told I could find Andy by the platypus enclosure. So off I went to find Andy to see if he could help me out with my review of a camel toe concealer. I found Andy and told him that I had some camel toe concealers that I needed to review, and it would be great if I could get before and after pictures too.

With a great big smile Andy explained to me that he couldn’t let me into the enclosure with the camels, and that he was too busy to put a camel toe concealer on a camel toe, but he told me to go to the administration building and ask for Tracy. Andy picked up his walkie talkie and told Tracy that he was sending me to her for assistance with the camels. And he laughed. I don’t know why he laughed?

I entered the administration building and Tracy was waiting for me. “Hi Randy, how can I help you?” I pulled the camel toe concealer out of my pants     pocket and told Tracy that I needed help reviewing a camel toe concealer, including before and after pictures. One of her co-workers busted up laughing and Tracy’s face turned 50 shades of red as she slowly shook her head. After a moment Tracy apologized and said she couldn’t help me. I thanked her and I started to walk away when Tracy said “Wait! I think I know someone who can help you.” I waited as Tracy picked up the phone and with what looked like a wicked smile, she made a call.

“Hi Veronica, it’s Tracy. Good, good, how about you? Listen, I’ve got this guy, Randy, who needs some help with camels. I’m sending him over. You too. I can’t wait to catch up for happy hour tomorrow.”

Tracy hung up and told me to go to see Veronica at the erotic animal park and education center. Tracy wrote down the address and I thanked her, but I considered not going. Erotic animals? Eww. I decided to go anyway because I really needed help putting a camel toe concealer on a camel toe so that I could review the camel toe concealer.

It turns out that I heard Tracy wrong. It’s an exotic animal park and education center, not erotic animal park. I felt better knowing that. I walked into the office and Veronica said “You must be Randy, how can I help you today?

I pulled the camel toe concealer out of my pants    pocket and told her that Tracey said she might be able to help me with a review this camel toe concealer. I need a picture of a camel toe without the concealer and a picture of a camel toe with the concealer. If possible, I’d like to put it on the camel toe myself, but if not, I could just watch as you put the concealer on the camel toe.

Veronica said “Wow, you really are Randy” as she started to laugh. Not just laugh, but laugh uncontrollably. You know, uncontrollably as in can’t catch your breath laughing. After two minutes or so she calmed down just long enough to say, “I wish I could help you but…” and she laughed for another two minutes. When she stopped laughing enough to catch her breath she said, “I’m sorry” and after a deep breath and said “Randy,” and she started laughing again, but just for a few seconds. “Randy, we only have Dromedary camels here. Those are the camels with one hump. Camel toe concealers are for Bactrian camels, the ones that have two humps. Camel toe concealers require camels with two humps.” 

 

Veronica started laughing uncontrollably again, but she managed to say “Tracy should have known that” before… well, let’s just say I have actually seen ROTFL in real life. I leaned over the counter and thanked Veronica. On my way out I said that the description on Amazon should have said that not all camel toes can be concealed. I could still hear Veronica laughing as I got into my car. I was really glad she said that “Tracy should have known.” I was afraid that Veronica was laughing at me until she said that.

I’m not easily deterred. If I can’t use a real camel toe I may as well get a stuffed camel and try it out on a toy camel’s toes. And off I went to the toy store. I walked in the door and Ellen asked if she could help me find anything. I said “Yeah, I need a stuffed camel.” Ellen asked my how big a camel I needed. I pulled my camel toe concealer out of my pants   pocket and told Ellen that it’s gotta be a Bactrian camel and this camel toe concealer has to fit it.

Ellen started to get a bit red in the face, and then with an almost coy smile told me that I was going to need a girl camel. Geez, first the description on Amazon fails to mention which type of camel the concealers are for, and then it fails to mention that it’s only for girl camel toes. Ellen lead me to the stuffed camels, looked a couple of them, held the camel toe concealer up to them, giggled, and handed me a medium sized camel. Ellen giggled again as she told me that the concealers I have wouldn’t fit larger camel toes. I told her I thought it was pretty silly to conceal camel toes anyway. We both had a good laugh.

I got home with Susie the stuffed camel and went to work. I’m a guy, I don’t need no instructions. Seemed like it would be easy enough, You put the top parts of the Y shape on the toes and wedge the tail of the Y in between the toes. No Problem. Well, no problem until I removed the camel toe concealer. The reusable adhesive pulled out the fur off of the camel’s toes. So much for reusable. I don’t think a real camel would be happy about it either. I probably would have been seriously injured if I had tried to remove it from a real camel toe.

So here’s my one star review.

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These camel toe concealers are not worth the money. To start with, they only work with Dromedary camel toes. Only a few percent of camels are Dromedary. This should have been specified. Next, these only work for girl camel toes. That wasn’t specified either. These are supposed to be reusable, but when you remove them the adhesive pulls the hair off of the camel toes. If you want to use these you’re going to need to shave the camel toes. Finally, I could still see that the camel had toes. The crack between the two toes was still quite visible ane therefore it was quite easy to see that there are toes under the concealer.

If you want to hide camel toes then save yourself some money and just buy some socks for the camel.

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After giving it some thought it occurred to me that the sand in the desert is really hot, and footwear would be much better for the camels. So I’m going to contact the makers of the camel toe concealers and suggest they create thongs for camel feet. You know, the flip flops that have the little connector that goes into the crack between the toes. Now there’s a product I can understand the need for.